I’m staring at the blank computer screen. My coworkers are chattering around me. Friendly to each other- human. Everyone recognizing something common inside of each other, recognizing each other’s purpose.
I have no purpose.
I just spent 4 hours on a task that seems complicated and heroic, but at the end of the day, my negative self talk seems more true everyday. No one stops to talk to me. And my work seems a joke. I have no reputation. Or what exists is marred by mistakes, despite my best efforts and 18-hr work days, trying to be the best I can.
I left behind a place where I was loved, where I had friends. I wanted this technical path though. I wanted to change the world. And now I’m a joke. I went from soaring to being less than dirt. I went from being the expert to being the resident bumbling idiot. And the tasks I perform are nothing. They take hours, days even, but a part of me has a sneaking suspicion that no one trusts my work enough to use it.
So the screen stares back at me, blankly. I wish my mind could be as blank as the screen. The older generation has written me off before I even had a chance to develop. I’m marked a failure. I’ve screwed myself on this one. Let the negative self talk and shame begin.
whenlupusattacks 